Interesting issue.
Having grown up quite idealistic and gentle I learned to stand up for myself as an adult via assertiveness training which I found absolutely invaluable.
But I then found that Assertiveness Stage 1 was about flashing into ninja mode.
Assertiveness Stage 2 is about deciding yeah well I could flash into ninja mode on that - but hey I'm deciding not to because I really feel like a peaceful drink ...
Assertiveness Stage 3 was discovering some systems theory stuff about initial move auto + (nice) then if - (nasty) response hit hard with - negative BUT switch instantly to + (nice). This is a rich strategy because it says don't mess with me boy/ but if you're nice to me you can have a much nicer version of me.
I found all three very useful with elders in my family.
Assertiveness Stage 1 (simple ninja) is good because it says don't take advantage of being my elder.
Assertiveness Stage 2 (choosing whether) says I ain't that simple! so don't make assumptions!
Assertiveness Stage 3 (strategy _ then depends on response) is in the family, training mode. I actually care about this person and I want them to learn to treat me better so we can get on better.
However it gets very complicated in the really elderly period when you have the crunch stuff of not knowing if they're going to be here next month/ or week. Training in my needs (or vice versa) at this stage is inappropriate. They're in review now, looking backwards, living in a very present moment. Their life is almost finished, not training for a future.
Although there is a whole new arena of mutual training about their care needs, physical limits ... how much can I cope, how much can they?
There are these huge physical struggles they live with that eat up their available energy and effort so social skills don't get so much of the energy budget. If pain is a constant companion and morphine isn't working as well as it did last year it's gets a bit basic.
In this stage I have struggled to maintain compassion but it's hard work if their personal modes are sarcasm (they think it's normal and witty), putdowns (they think this is not nearly as hurtful as it is and never grasped the point) ... previous training just never got far enough!
But if we're not in that last bit I generally try to respect them by giving them the straight treatment I'd give those of my age or younger. To do anything else is condescending - oh you have to let her say/ do as s/he wants because s/he is old. To me that's infantilising them.
Paradoxically perhaps I do believe in giving elders a little bit of extra respect - I find their experiences interesting and that extra respect brings out the best in them.
But now it gets interesting for me. My last elder relative died 9 months ago. I stand at the head of my family as its elder.
So far everyone has been very nice to me - in the family I mean. We'll see how it works out.