Joke thread

Paul B

Paul B

XenForo moderator
Staff member
A little light relief for when you're feeling stressed.


Q. Did you hear about the guy who had 6 plastic horses stuck up his bum?
A. The doctors described his condition as stable.


Q. What's brown and sticky?
A. A stick.


Q. What do you get if you play a country and western song backwards?
A. You get your house back, your kids back, your wife back, your dog back...


A guy is walking past a big wooden fence at the local insane asylum when he hears the residents chanting "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!".
Quite curious about this he finds a hole in the fence, approaches it and looks in.
Someone inside promptly pokes him in the eye.
Then everyone starts chanting "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!".


I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law.
My neighbour came out to me and said "Are you going to help?"
I just looked at him and replied "No, I think six should be enough."


Mick and Paddy are reading headstones at a cemetery.
Mick say "Crikey! There's a bloke here who was 152!"
Paddy says "What's his name?"
Mick replies "Miles, from London !"
 
Paddy and Mick were heading home after being at the pub. While they were walking along, Mick falls down an open manhole cover.
He shouts up "Paddy, call me an ambulance". Paddy says "Mick, your an ambulance" and walks home.
 
I was working late at the Carphone Warehouse last night and got this text from my wife:

'Thespacebuttonisfaultyonthisphone.Whenyougethomepleasecouldyougivemeanalternative'

As I eagerly rushed home, I couldn't help but wonder - what the hell does 'ternative' mean?
 
On a tour of Normandy, the Pope took a couple of days off from his itinerary to visit the North coast on an impromptu sightseeing trip. His 4X4 Popemobile was driving along the golden sands when there was an enormous commotion heard just off the headland.

They rushed to see what it was and upon approaching the scene the Pope noticed just outside the surf, a hapless man wearing a French football jersey, struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a twenty foot shark.

At that moment a speedboat containing three men wearing English football tops roared into view from around the point. Spontaneously, one of the men took aim and fired a harpoon into the shark's ribs, immobilizing it instantly. The other two reached out and pulled the Frenchman from the water and then, using long clubs, beat the shark to death. They bundled the bleeding, semi conscious man into the speed boat along with the dead shark and then prepared for a hasty retreat, when they heard frantic shouting from the shore.

It was of course the Pope, and he summoned them to the beach.

Upon them reaching the shore the Pope went into raptures about the rescue and said, "I give you my blessing for your brave actions. I had heard that there were some racist xenophobic people trying to divide France and England, but, now I have seen with my own eyes this is not true. I can see that your society is a truly enlightened example of racial harmony and could serve as a model on which other nations could follow." He blessed them all and drove off in a cloud of dust.

As he departed, the harpoonist asked the others, "Who was that???!"
"That," one answered, "was his Holiness the Pope. He is in direct contact with God and has access to all God's wisdom."
"Well," the harpoonist replied, "he knows sod all about shark hunting.
How's that bait holding up or do we need to get another one?"
 
Two nuns driving along in their car, when a vampire jumps onto the windscreen, grabs the wipers, and starts snarling at them trying to get inside the car to bite them.

The passanger says to the driver, "Show him your cross!!"
The driver winds down her window and shouts "Get off the f***ing car!!!"

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Jesus is up on the cross and shouts down to Malcolm, "Malcom, come here a minute ..."
"Coming my Lord" says Malcolm and starts to make his way up the hill. He's stopped by a Roman guard who chops off one of his arms and kicks him back down the hill.

"Malcolm!" shouts Jesus.
"Coming my Lord" says Malcolm but is stopped by the same Roman guard who chops off his other arm and kicks him back down the hill.

"Malcolm!" shouts Jesus, "Malcolm! Come here ... quick ...".
"Coming my Lord" says Malcolm but is stopped by the Roman guard again who chops off one of his legs.

"Malcolm!" shouts Jesus, "Malcolm! Pllleeeaaassseee come here ...".
"I'm coming my Lord" says Malcolm, who this time manages to side-step the guard and finally gets to the top of the hill on his one remaining limb.
"Yes my Lord, what is it?", says Malcolm as he finally reaches the foot of the cross.
And Jesus replies .... "I can see your house from here!"

(Edited to add that I learned these as a young man at my Catholic school !!)
 
Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at disabling the internal security system got underway immediately. The robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash and valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes scattered throughout the bank.

The robbers cracked the first safe’s combination, and inside they found Only a bowl of vanilla pudding. As recorded on the bank’s audio-tape system, one said, “At least we’ll get a bit to eat,”

The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing but vanilla pudding. The process continued until all the safes were opened.

They found not one pound sterling, a diamond, or an ounce of gold. Instead, all the safes contained covered bowls of pudding.

Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach.

The newspaper headline read:

IRELAND’S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING.
 
A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.

"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever."

A smart ass guy in the back of the room raises his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

..................................................................................................................

Husband's Great Gift

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"

"My darling," he replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."
 
Blonde Jokes ​

Title: Are You Really Sure?
A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"

In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something."

Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
Click to expand...

Title: I Want to Buy That

A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner.

The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black.

The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes.

Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red.

Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time.

To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes.

The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I am a blonde?"

The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,"That's not a TV -- it's a microwave!"
Click to expand...

Title: Blonde Breast Stroke
A blonde woman competed with a brunette woman and a redheaded woman in the Breast Stroke division of an English Channel swim competition. The brunette came in first, the redhead second. The blonde woman finally reached shore completely exhausted.

After being revived with blankets and coffee she remarked, "I don't want to complain, but I think those other two girls used their arms."
Click to expand...

Lack of 20/20 Hindsight​
Title: Keep your thoughts to self...
Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my
husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically
telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.

"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of
toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in
front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. "How long will
this take?" I asked.

"They will grow larger over a period of years," my husband replies.

I stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper
between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"
Without missing a beat he says "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"

He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk
again, although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.

Stupid, stupid man.
Click to expand...

Common sense​

Title: Not with a Ten Foot Pole. (no-pun intended)
Why is it that when you get your wife pregnant, everybody rubs her belly and says "Congratulations?"

Nobody ever rubs your **** and says "Good Job!"
Click to expand...

Untitled (as I do not know how people will perceive this...)
Apparently, the men in charge of drilling to free the miners in Chile all work for BP.

Now the only problem is they can't stop people coming out the hole.
Click to expand...
 
Two men are sitting drinking at a bar at the top of the Empire State Building.

The first man turns to the other and says, "You know, I've discovered that if you jump from the top of this building, by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so intense they carry you around the building and back into the window."

The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar. The second guy says, "What are you a nut? There is no way in hell that could happen."

"No, it's true, " said the first man, let me prove it to you." He gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and plummets to the street below. As he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar.

He met the second man, who looked quite astonished. "You know, I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time fluke."

"No, I'll prove it again," Says the first man. As he jumps. Again just as he is hurling toward the street, the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building into the window. Once upstairs he looks smugly at his fellow drinker.

"Well what the hell," the second guy says, "It works, I'll try it!" He jumps over the balcony, plunges downward, passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th, floors and hits the sidewalk with a 'splat'."

The bartender turns to the other drinker, says "You know, when you drink you're a real ass, Superman."
 
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