Joke thread
- Thread starter Paul B
- Start date
Why is it good that there are female astronauts?
When the crew gets lost in space, at least the woman will ask for directions.
..................
Why do men name their penises?
Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 99% of their decisions.
...................
Why do women fake orgasm?
Because men fake foreplay.
....................
A radical feminist is getting on a bus when, just in front of her, a man gets up from his seat. She thinks to herself, "Here's another man trying to keep up the customs of a patriarchical society by offering a poor, defenseless woman his seat," and she pushes him back onto the seat.
A few minutes later, the man tries to get up again. She is insulted again and refuses to let him up.
Finally, the man says, "Look, lady, you've got to let me get up. I'm two miles past my stop already!"
.......................
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and hands it to the officer..
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.
When the crew gets lost in space, at least the woman will ask for directions.
..................
Why do men name their penises?
Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 99% of their decisions.
...................
Why do women fake orgasm?
Because men fake foreplay.
....................
A radical feminist is getting on a bus when, just in front of her, a man gets up from his seat. She thinks to herself, "Here's another man trying to keep up the customs of a patriarchical society by offering a poor, defenseless woman his seat," and she pushes him back onto the seat.
A few minutes later, the man tries to get up again. She is insulted again and refuses to let him up.
Finally, the man says, "Look, lady, you've got to let me get up. I'm two miles past my stop already!"
.......................
A mature (over 70) lady gets pulled over for speeding...
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer : Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer : Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer : Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer : I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer : Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer : Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer : You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer : Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer : Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer : Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer : I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer : Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer : Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer : You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and hands it to the officer..
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.
Mattie Num Nums
Active member
A gorgeous blonde woman is driving her car at a high rate of speed and notices lights and sirens behind her. She pulls over and starts to panic. She knows though that she can talk her way out it. She begins to unbutton her top button and attempt to tear up when she notices a beautiful blonde female police officer. "License and Registration," the Blonde Cop asks. The Blonde drivers looks and looks and hands over her Registration papers. The Blonde Officer replies, "License please miss!" The Blonde driver response in a panic, "What does my license look like!" The officer replies in disgust, "Its a square thing with your face on it." The blonde driver with a grin goes digging through her purse... "I FOUND IT" and hands it over to the cop. The cop looks down and replies, "Oh, your free to go miss, I didn't realize you were a police officer.
DoctorWatsOn
Well-known member
Who's the coolest guy in the hospital? The ultra-sound guy!
Who is it when he's on holiday? The hip replacement guy...
Who is it when he's on holiday? The hip replacement guy...
A gorgeous blond guy is driving his car at a high rate of speed and notices lights and sirens behind.
He pulls over and starts to panic. He knows though that he can talk his way out it. He begins to unbutton his shirt, hitches one hip up slightly, swishes his hair back fast, and attempts a shy grin when he notices a beautiful blond police officer.
"License and Registration," the Blond Cop asks.
The Blond Driver looks and looks and hands over his Registration papers.
The Blond Officer replies, "License please mister!"
The Blonde Driver's response is to show panic, "What does my licence look like!"
Blond Officer replies in disgust, "It's a square thing with your face on it."
The Blonde Driver with a happy grin goes digging through his wallet - which of course tightens the curvaceous trouser display at the front as he digs it out ... "I FOUND IT" and he hands it over to the cop.
The Blond Cop looks down and replies, "Oh, your free to go sir, I didn't realize you were a police officer.
He pulls over and starts to panic. He knows though that he can talk his way out it. He begins to unbutton his shirt, hitches one hip up slightly, swishes his hair back fast, and attempts a shy grin when he notices a beautiful blond police officer.
"License and Registration," the Blond Cop asks.
The Blond Driver looks and looks and hands over his Registration papers.
The Blond Officer replies, "License please mister!"
The Blonde Driver's response is to show panic, "What does my licence look like!"
Blond Officer replies in disgust, "It's a square thing with your face on it."
The Blonde Driver with a happy grin goes digging through his wallet - which of course tightens the curvaceous trouser display at the front as he digs it out ... "I FOUND IT" and he hands it over to the cop.
The Blond Cop looks down and replies, "Oh, your free to go sir, I didn't realize you were a police officer.
DoctorWatsOn
Well-known member
You can say what you like about paedo's, least they drive slowly past schools.
DoctorWatsOn
Well-known member
An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, 'What is this, Father?'
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded,
'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don't know what it is'.
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a large old lady in a wheelchair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button.
The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out.
The father said quietly to his son.....
'Go get your mother.'
The boy asked, 'What is this, Father?'
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded,
'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don't know what it is'.
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a large old lady in a wheelchair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button.
The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out.
The father said quietly to his son.....
'Go get your mother.'
DoctorWatsOn
Well-known member
Martha recently lost her husband.
She had him cremated and brought his ashes home.
Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio table.
Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him.....
You know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!"
She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said,
"Remember that car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!"
Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes she said,
"Remember that diamond ring you promised me? Bought it too, with the insurance money!"
Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, She said,
"Remember that blow job I promised you?"
"Here it comes."
She had him cremated and brought his ashes home.
Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio table.
Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him.....
You know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!"
She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said,
"Remember that car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!"
Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes she said,
"Remember that diamond ring you promised me? Bought it too, with the insurance money!"
Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, She said,
"Remember that blow job I promised you?"
"Here it comes."