Happy Birthday Mike.

I only came here to find out if Mike listed his birthday publically, and embarass him if not!

Happy birthday Mike!
 
PHP:
$hadTooMuchWine = XenForo_Model::create('XenForo_Model_Parents')->enoughGlassesOfWineDrankByMikesMother();
 
if (!$hadTooMuchWine)
{
$fathersMessage = 'doh!';
$mike = false;
}
else
{
$mike = array_merge($mother, $father);
$fathersMessage = 'Wahoo!';
}
 
if ($fathersMessage == 'Wahoo')
{
return 'Happy Birthday Mike!';
}
else
{
// this should never happen
return $fathersMessage;
}
 
PHP:
$hadTooMuchWine = XenForo_Model::create('XenForo_Model_Parents')->enoughGlassesOfWineDrankByMikesMother();...
I'm afraid it is never that simple.
You forgot to account for random factors such as...
PHP:
$number_of_years_condom_was_kept_in_wallet  // Chance of conception
 
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