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Have you heard the one about...

Discussion in 'Off Topic' started by DoctorWatsOn, Feb 8, 2011.

  1. DoctorWatsOn

    DoctorWatsOn Well-Known Member

    Two blokes were stood looking over the end of Worthing’s Pier at two sharks swimming around below.

    One shark said to the other, “quick swim away, there’s two lawyers above.”

    * this was a cartoon and perhaps doesn't work so well in written form.
    Rob Fritz, T-889, Jo. and 1 other person like this.
  2. Shelley

    Shelley Well-Known Member

    Why do they bury lawyers 500 feet underground when they die?

    Because deep down, they're really nice guys.
    Rob Fritz, T-889 and DoctorWatsOn like this.
  3. Edrondol

    Edrondol Well-Known Member

    Why won't snakes bite a lawyer?

    Professional courtesy.
  4. Fred Sherman

    Fred Sherman Well-Known Member

    I heard it different...

    Q: Why are lawyers able to swim though shark infested, blood filled waters in complete safety?

    A: Professional courtesy

    I think they're both true
    Rob Fritz and DoctorWatsOn like this.
  5. GofD

    GofD Well-Known Member

    Rob Fritz and DoctorWatsOn like this.
  6. Edrondol

    Edrondol Well-Known Member

    How can you tell it's really, really cold outside?

    All the lawyers have their hands in their OWN pockets.
    Rob Fritz, DoctorWatsOn and Shelley like this.
  7. Shelley

    Shelley Well-Known Member

    Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?

    Take your foot off his head.
  8. Edrondol

    Edrondol Well-Known Member


    DoctorWatsOn likes this.
  9. DoctorWatsOn

    DoctorWatsOn Well-Known Member

  10. TheLaw

    TheLaw Well-Known Member

    What do you get when you cross a lawyer with a mafia don?

    An offer you can't understand.
  11. SchmitzIT

    SchmitzIT Well-Known Member

    Jack Bauer once stumbled into a room containing Osama Bin Laden, Kim Jung Il and a laywer, and he had only two bullets. What did he do?

    He shot the lawyer twice.
    DoctorWatsOn likes this.
  12. DoctorWatsOn

    DoctorWatsOn Well-Known Member

    I have a couple of friends that are lawyers, sorry this isn't a joke and there's no punchline, but I'll send them a link to this thread - I am loving it, keep up the good work. [​IMG]
  13. Edrondol

    Edrondol Well-Known Member

    What do lawyers use for birth control?

    Their personalities.

    (I have lawyer friends and a LOT of jokes. I just have to remember them.)

    What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pitbull?

    Lipstick and jewelry.
    Rob Fritz and Dragonfly like this.
  14. Edrondol

    Edrondol Well-Known Member

    Q: How many lawyers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

    A1: One to hold the bulb while the world revolves around them.

    A2: Sixty. Ten to argue, one to get a continuance, one to object, one to demur, six to research precedents, one to dictate a letter, one to stipulate, five to turn in their time cards, one to depose, one to write interrogatories, two to settle, one to order a secretary to change the bulb, and thirty to bill for professional services. (Couldn't remember the wording of this one. Had to look it up.)

    A3: *pfft* Who needs light bulbs? Lawyers only screw people.
    Shelley likes this.
  15. Shelley

    Shelley Well-Known Member

    What's the difference between a bucket full of of sh-it and a lawyer?

    The bucket.
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  16. Edrondol

    Edrondol Well-Known Member

    What's the difference between a porcupine and a carload of lawyers?

    The porcupine has pricks on the outside.
    Rob Fritz likes this.
  17. Fred Sherman

    Fred Sherman Well-Known Member

    A Lawyer went to heaven and met St. Peter at the pearly gates.

    "Welcome, my boy! God is waiting for you inside to show you to your new home."

    God meets him inside the gates, and begins to give him the tour of heaven.

    The first neighborhood they walk through is a set of rundown apartments. The people who lived there were celebrating in the streets, filled with joy.

    "Who lives here?", he asks.

    "These are the homes of all the nuns, deacons, priests and bishops who have done my will throughout the ages. This is Clergytown.

    The continue on and came to an area that looked like old city row homes. Men, women and even children danced in the steets is a festive mood.

    "God, who lives in these homes?"

    "My child, these are the saints, who have served as a living example to the faithful through the centuries, the living embodiment of my spirit of goodness while they lived."

    They continued walking for some time and came to a neighborhood of small duplex homes with very little space between them. Men gathered outside as though attending a party.

    "God, who lives here?"

    "These, my son, belong to the Popes, my emmisaries on earth, those few to whom I entrusted the Kingdom of heaven itself!"

    Finally, after a time, they came to a shining mansion set among rolling hills. The grass was green and the walls shone of marble. "God, I don't have to ask about this one! Your house is beautiful and suits you perfectly!"

    "My dearest one, you do not understand. This home is for you."

    "God, you say I do not understand, and you are right. I am a humble man. There is nothing specialabout me and I do not deserve such grandeure."

    "My child, I will explain to you why there is such celebration in heaven and that such a glorious mansion has been given to you. In heaven, we have millions of clergy, thousands of saints and dozens of popes. But you, my dear boy, are our very first lawyer!"
    Sadik B, Rob Fritz, Dragonfly and 4 others like this.
  18. Shelley

    Shelley Well-Known Member

    LOL (y)
  19. Edrondol

    Edrondol Well-Known Member

    What's the difference between God and a lawyer?

    God doesn't think He's a lawyer.
  20. Edrondol

    Edrondol Well-Known Member

    What's the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?

    One is a scum sucking bottom dweller. The other is a fish.

    (Every time I hit enter or read one of yours I remember another one. No wonder my lawyer friends hated me.)
    Dragonfly and T-889 like this.

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