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Have you heard the one about...


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I have a couple of friends that are lawyers, sorry this isn't a joke and there's no punchline, but I'll send them a link to this thread - I am loving it, keep up the good work.


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What do lawyers use for birth control?

Their personalities.

(I have lawyer friends and a LOT of jokes. I just have to remember them.)

What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pitbull?

Lipstick and jewelry.


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Q: How many lawyers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A1: One to hold the bulb while the world revolves around them.

A2: Sixty. Ten to argue, one to get a continuance, one to object, one to demur, six to research precedents, one to dictate a letter, one to stipulate, five to turn in their time cards, one to depose, one to write interrogatories, two to settle, one to order a secretary to change the bulb, and thirty to bill for professional services. (Couldn't remember the wording of this one. Had to look it up.)

A3: *pfft* Who needs light bulbs? Lawyers only screw people.

Fred Sherman

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A Lawyer went to heaven and met St. Peter at the pearly gates.

"Welcome, my boy! God is waiting for you inside to show you to your new home."

God meets him inside the gates, and begins to give him the tour of heaven.

The first neighborhood they walk through is a set of rundown apartments. The people who lived there were celebrating in the streets, filled with joy.

"Who lives here?", he asks.

"These are the homes of all the nuns, deacons, priests and bishops who have done my will throughout the ages. This is Clergytown.

The continue on and came to an area that looked like old city row homes. Men, women and even children danced in the steets is a festive mood.

"God, who lives in these homes?"

"My child, these are the saints, who have served as a living example to the faithful through the centuries, the living embodiment of my spirit of goodness while they lived."

They continued walking for some time and came to a neighborhood of small duplex homes with very little space between them. Men gathered outside as though attending a party.

"God, who lives here?"

"These, my son, belong to the Popes, my emmisaries on earth, those few to whom I entrusted the Kingdom of heaven itself!"

Finally, after a time, they came to a shining mansion set among rolling hills. The grass was green and the walls shone of marble. "God, I don't have to ask about this one! Your house is beautiful and suits you perfectly!"

"My dearest one, you do not understand. This home is for you."

"God, you say I do not understand, and you are right. I am a humble man. There is nothing specialabout me and I do not deserve such grandeure."

"My child, I will explain to you why there is such celebration in heaven and that such a glorious mansion has been given to you. In heaven, we have millions of clergy, thousands of saints and dozens of popes. But you, my dear boy, are our very first lawyer!"


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What's the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?

One is a scum sucking bottom dweller. The other is a fish.

(Every time I hit enter or read one of yours I remember another one. No wonder my lawyer friends hated me.)