Family value

[Adam Howard]

Assume for a moment that for whatever reason, one or both of your parents needed a place to say. Would you be willing to open your home for to them? And if you have children of your own and found yourself in such a situation, do you think your children would open their home to you?

Finally, how do you think people outside of your family would act toward your answer?

 

[Fred Sherman]

Next spring, my wife and I are moving from Dallas to South Padre. We are taking my parents and they will live with us. Up to this point, my brother and sister have been taking advantage of them. They are in their 70s. By living with us, I will put an end to that.

I don't expect them to pay for anything from that point on and I'll add them to my health insurance to help with their medical expenses. Their retirement income is for them to enjoy and what better place than the Gulf coast.

Do I expect my children to do that for me? I hope its never necessary. Do I think they would? Yes, but they are my daughters, so a lot will depend on how their husbands (of the future) feel. But I won't hold it against them if they decide against it.

 

[iTuN3r]

Next spring, my wife and I are moving from Dallas to South Padre. We are taking my parents and they will live with us. Up to this point, my brother and sister have been taking advantage of them. They are in their 70s. By living with us, I will put an end to that.

I don't expect them to pay for anything from that point on and I'll add them to my health insurance to help with their medical expenses. Their retirement income is for them to enjoy and what better place than the Gulf coast.

Do I expect my children to do that for me? I hope its never necessary. Do I think they would? Yes, but they are my daughters, so a lot will depend on how their husbands (of the future) feel. But I won't hold it against them if they decide against it.

Moving to beach house or something ?

 

[Forsaken]

Assume for a moment that for whatever reason, one or both of your parents needed a place to say. Would you be willing to open your home for to them? And if you have children of your own and found yourself in such a situation, do you think your children would open their home to you?

Finally, how do you think people outside of your family would act toward your answer?

I'm planning on having a guest house for just this reason, as my mom will likely move in when she retires.

And I'm honestly not the type to give a damn what others think, so whatever they do think wouldn't matter to me.

 

[craigiri]

My parents are very understanding and independent and would do almost anything to avoid that. They are 82 and so far have done so. Their big joke is "when we die, we won't tell you right away - a friend will call you and say they died a couple days ago" or something like that!

My son moved back in when he was 23-25, but now he is gone..probably for good. Our daughters are also independent - but it's possible that health problems may someday force them back....in that case, we'd make arrangements and do what we have to do.

I don't see a scenario where we would need to move in with them!

Most of them would be fine if they saw the answers. In fact, my wife has told her mom (90 years old) that she cannot visit for more than a week and mom is fine with it. She understands her kids!

 

[AdamD]

Well, I'm 32 and I share a house with my dad (Shared ownership), my mum remarried sometime ago and lives in the same town
If for some reason she lost her home, then yes, I would have no problem with her staying here
Family is family, my mum means the world to me and I would never allow her to be on her own (unless she wanted it, lol)

I have other family members (One "blood" brother) who if he were living on the streets, I wouldn't allow him near my home. (I know.....sounds harsh, heh)

 

[Gabby]

I'm already doing this and it isn't as easy as it seems. It is great stress of worry 24/7. It is one thing to have an aging parent who doesn't live with you but it is quite another to have them under the same roof. I love my parents but would not do it again. We get along BUT we do things and think differently and add in age related physically and mental deterioration, it is EXTREMELY stressful. There is also a ton of added cost that come up which I also pay for and you will too. ie.. $17-23/hour homehealth aides everyday, seven days a week, hospital beds which insurance and medicare don't pay for, walkers, wheelchairs, special food, therapy not covered by insurance, safety bars in bathrooms. And making sure they don't hurt themselves from falling. Pill dispensing, showers, wiping butts, cleaning up bowel and urine accidents, washing clothes, sheets, making sure of good nutrition, alot of doctor's appoinments, home safety precautions, activities, hobbies, transporation to events...

It is a great emotional burden to see your parents age under your roof. Something that I don't think many think about. Like many, I had this Pie-in-the-Sky view of things prior to my parents moving in. Now I'm very sad to see my parents age and I'm up and worried nearly 24/7.

And I could care less what anyone thinks of me, freinds, family or other as I take great care of my parents but it is at a huge cost to my health and my family. Then again, I would never put my parents in a nursing home, but I would an upscale assisted living. I cherish this time with my parents greatly but it would be easier on me if I could still go a visit many times a day rather them under my roof and the 24/7 that brings.

Now you are seeing your parents with full physical and actual independence but when they stop having this, they change as does their personalities- and rightfully so but it is VERY often hard to handle.

Don't go into this thinking life is going to be full of tender child-parent moments. Yes there are tender moments and I love them, but you have to remember that you're life's responsibilities will continue while your parent's needs increase.

 

[Gabby]

P.S. Today my mom's aid took her out to the movies and dinner. Just the cost of the aid is about $100.00 for today-then add in the movie and dinner cost which you have to pay for the aid's fair as well.

 

[Fred Sherman]

Yeah, its definitely not going to be a picnic. They're getting the master suite on the first floor. It has the bedroom, a sitting area off to the side, the master bath and closet. Combined, its bigger than our first apartment. The rule is that the second and third floor is off limits. Not really so much a rule as establishing boundaries where we're able to get away from each other.

My mother is tech challenged, so I'm getting her the simplest television possible for the sitting area. She doesn't like sports so I need to give her a place to escape by 24x7 love of all things sports, but especially football season.

I already live less than a mile from them to keep an eye on them and have for 17 years. I have watched them age and I know what you mean. There's also the realization that I'm trading my graduating daughters for my aging parents.

But what are the alternatives? Let my siblings bleed them dry until they're eating cat food after working hard all their life and saving for retirement? Like any parent, they can't say no to children who are in trouble, even when they know they should. So its up to me to be the big bad in this story.

Its not so much what I want as what I have to do. I hope I can deal with it with as much grace and understanding as you seem to be handling it.

 

[Gabby]

I know exactly what you mean Fred. I'm the big bad in my family. My siblings are they most selfish self centered people I know. I get the "I can't I have a family" crap as if I don't? It's really strange. It's also a VERY sexist thing as my family as always honored men (sons) over women (daughters). They have a lot to say about my parents but rarely call or do anything for them. I felt like you, "what I have to do", but boy I wasn't ready for this. I thought I was well prepared but I wasn't, especially when mom's dementia starts to set in. It's super sad to become the parent when sometimes we still need our parents- not financially but emotionally. Right now, I find myself wanting to spend as much time with them but in the same time I'm beyond exhausted and battling a severe issue with my own health. Be aware that those boundaries change as time go on and your parent declines. I read somewhere that every elderly person with dementia can cause the death of two caregivers in the form of actually physical injury or massive stress. And now I believe it. LOL

 

[AdamD]

Sorry to hear about your health and the dementia

 

[Gabby]

Below is an example of what my mom did to my house until we took all the knobs off the stove at night and while my family isn't actually cooking something. I was in the shower when this happened. My daugher ran into the bathroom and told me my mom had caught the stove and micro on fire. When I got to the kitchen, my mom refused to leave the house while we aired it out because of the terrible melting plastic fumes we could actually taste. Welcome to the world of taking care of elderly parents. I'm not the first and won't be the last
.

 

[Gabby]

This is a good resournce for those about to or are taking on this challenge. http://caregiver.com/

 

[Adam Howard]

To answer my own question....

My poor mother I feel has been societies dumping ground. She grew up in an abusive home, was denied a complete education, only to marry an abusive man, and when she sought to escape all that & pick up the pieces, society and bureaucratic democracy kicked her down for it. Respectfully, she now has some health issues and some mild mental issues as well. If you lived her life, you would too.

She very well can't live with my younger sister who has an apartment with her husband and 3 daughters (12, 8, 2) as they don't really have the space for her. Not to add that I feel the stress of 3 children running around all day, my sister working nights, and with my mother's obsession of picking up after people, wouldn't be a good combination.

After having a few slumlord (bad landlords), she found herself temporarily in a homeless shelter. I tried taking her into my place right away... But my ex-wife was very abusive (yes, women can be too). So until that problem was removed, I couldn't take her in right away.

Thankfully today she now lives with me in my 2 bedroom apartment. She has the master bedroom and a whole new bedroom set to go along with it. I love and respect my mother, but like with any family we have our moments. But in the end I can't complain and in many ways I think we help each other.

I can't help to think that if my sister was the one who took her in, she would be seen as a loving & caring daughter....

You see....The one draw back in society is even though she's living with me, the automatic assumption that you can't argue no matter how incorrect it is; is that you're 31 years old man and living at home with your Mom. Needless to say my social life has taken a hit. I don't know many understanding women who can easily accept that for what it is. And yet... If I hadn't taken her in, not only would I feel complete bad inside, I would have been the biggest jack-a** there is.

Respectfully, this is one of America's short comings in social development. Just about everywhere else in the world (on the planet), I would be seen as an honourable, respectable, and even dependable young man. Here in America, even though I'm trying to do the right thing... I'm seen no less as a bum living at home with his Mom, even though she moved in with me and I'm trying to be a good son & a good man.

This apartment will be hers in the end. It is very difficult for her to get an apartment and I've already added her onto the lease, the landlord here is very nice, and I'm in good standing with him (I do the yard work in spring, summer, fall, and also snow removal in winter time). I'm trying to save up as I can, so that I may get myself a new place in time and she may keep this place for herself.

 

[Gabby]

I agree TV, society really treats elderly folks terribly as if they have no worth. Your social life will take even more of a hit when your mom's physical needs increase so be prepared. Why do you care what society thinks of you if you know your motive is being a caring son? (insert vulgar expletive here) them!

Over time, you learn to not give a rats behind what anyone says as you know your mom is well taken care of and YOU ARE the one doing the work.

Try not to lose yourself in your mom's care. It is easy to do and many times unavoidable. After making sure you mom is safe, really try to do something for yourself. Support groups may help you get with people who share your concerns and also help your mom at the same time. Hey you might even find a good woman there who would know what you're going through obviously.

We only have one life and many times we stress over things that always work out in the in end. Life is so precious and short, why waste one minute caring what society thinks?

This too shall pass.