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February jokes, funny stories and nonsense

Discussion in 'Off Topic' started by grant sarver, Feb 9, 2011.

  1. grant sarver

    grant sarver Well-Known Member

    A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on the shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.

    After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.

    She repeats this a few more times. She is about to hand him another batch and he asks the little old lady, ‘Why don’t you eat the peanuts yourself?’ ‘We can’t chew them because we’ve no teeth’, she replied.

    The puzzled driver asks, ‘Why do you buy them then?’ The old lady replied, ‘We just love the chocolate on the outside.’
     
    Dragonfly, Dean, Peggy and 3 others like this.
  2. Peggy

    Peggy Well-Known Member

    eewwwwwwwwwwww... rofl! Love it.
     
  3. grant sarver

    grant sarver Well-Known Member

    After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target.​

    Dear Mrs. Sarver,​

    Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Sarver, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.​

    1.June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.​

    2.July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.​

    3.July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.​

    4.July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.​

    5.August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.​

    6.August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.​

    7.August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.​

    8.August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.​

    9.September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.​

    10.September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.​

    11.October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.​

    12.October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.​

    13.October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'​

    14.October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'​


    And last, but certainly not least:​

    15.October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.​
     
    Dragonfly and EntropiaPlanets like this.
  4. grant sarver

    grant sarver Well-Known Member

    So this blonde dies and finds herself at the pearly gates. St. Peter tells her that before he can let her in she has to answer a question. “Oh great” she says. “Don't worry” says St. Peter “I'll make it easy”. “What is the name of God's only Son”? She thinks for a moment and says “Andy”!​

    “Well, that's very interesting, but it's not right. How did you ever come up with Andy”? “You know; like that song we used to sing in Sunday school”. “What song was that”?​

    "Oh, you know":​
    ♫ Andy walks with me ♫ Andy talks with me ♫.............​


     
  5. grant sarver

    grant sarver Well-Known Member

    Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS's pilots (marked with a P) and the soluntions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.​



    By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.​

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~​



    P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

    S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.


    P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.

    S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.


    P: Something loose in cockpit.

    S: Something tightened in cockpit.


    P: Dead bugs on windshield.

    S: Live bugs on back-order.​



    P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.​

    S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.​



    P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.​

    S: Evidence removed.​



    P: DME volume unbelievably loud.​

    S: DME volume set to more believable level.​



    P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.​

    S: That's what friction locks are for.​



    P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.​

    S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.​



    P: Suspected crack in windshield.​

    S: Suspect you're right.​



    P: Number 3 engine missing.​

    S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.​



    P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)​

    S: Aircraft warned to: straighten up, fly right, and be serious.​



    P: Target radar hums.​

    S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.​



    P: Mouse in cockpit.​

    S: Cat installed.​



    And the best one for last..................................​



    P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.​

    S: Took hammer away.​
     
    GofD likes this.
  6. Sador

    Sador Well-Known Member

    Lmao. :D
     
  7. SilverCircle

    SilverCircle Well-Known Member


    Not quite. I know of at least 3 incidents that led to either significant damage to or total loss of the airplane. One of them also causing the death of the crew (last year in Dubai where a UPS 747 freighter crashed after reporting a in flight fire in the cargo department).
     
  8. grant sarver

    grant sarver Well-Known Member

    Well, it might have been true when this was first posted on the i-net.
     
  9. SilverCircle

    SilverCircle Well-Known Member

    Maybe, yes. These jokes are about as old as the lighthouse hoax and a quick search revealed that the first major incident involving a UPS aircraft happened in 1998.
     
  10. grant sarver

    grant sarver Well-Known Member

    Ooo, wow! Tough crowd tonight! Fortunately it's not relevant to the story. In the future, I'll make it a point to say "stop me if you've heard this one".

    Remember: there are no new jokes; only new audiences.
     

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